A New Show On ESPN 3

This is another old TSN Post:
It was created out of sheer boredom and is foolish, but that's me in a nut shell. Names have been changed to protect the "innocent" and is copyright protected for some reason.


Welcome kids and adults...but mostly kids...to Pardon My Impotent Show. I'm Phony Kornholee with my long time partner Michelle Wimponandonandon. On today's show we talk about Kobe because we are contractually obligated to promote him per orders of ESPN. We then will interview Manny Ramirez about Manny being Manny.

He's no Fernando Ramsey

Oh great! Another Cubs reference Michelle. It took you 8 seconds this time. Were you distracted?

I was waving at our stat boy Bony Ravioli.

Fine, but you don't see me always talking about flowers and dress sizes. You may love the Cubs, but I was a Style section writer for the Washington Post for years until they asked me to take my sh...umm..wit to sports.

The sports worlds gain is the girdle makers loss Phony.

OK, after Manny, we will answer carefully selected viewer mail. It is carefully selected this time. Right Bony?

Sorry. I'm on the phone with the producers of my show. They keep telling me every day how much they miss Max Kellerman.

Well Bony, there is a reason the Boston Globe doesn't want their masthead appearing on your show anymore.

The Chicago Sun Times is the best newspaper in the world!

Ummm...Michelle? Don't you work for the Washington Post?

Yes. The CHICAGO Tribune and CHICAGO Sun Times think I'm too much of a homer.

Was it necessary to yell Chicago twice? How's my comb over holding up?

It looks fine. I wish I could grow hair.

Your fine the way you are. Smoother than an infant and less hair than one too.

Speaking of infants, Kobe Bryant is sooooooo great. He doesn't taste as good as MJ, but he has his own flavor. Not quite Ray Blume. More of a Matt Steigenga taste.

I know Michelle. I found out the hard way in a Motel 6 in Suffolk the night before game 1.

Well, Kobe must have his way. ESPN, Nike and David Stern have a court order saying so after that debacle we are not allowed to talk about happened. Still, he's no Ricky Blanton.

Who? Oh, never mind! Wheres that paper handed to me by our stat boy? Oh, here it is. Kobe Bryant is your God. Buy every product he endorses. OK, that's out of the way.

On our screen we are talking to Boston Red Sox legend Manny Ramirez. Hi Manny!

What? What do you want? I'd punch you in the face if you were in my dugout.

Hi Manny. It's me, Phony.

Are you still going to buy my $12 grill for $675,000?

When I come up to butcher a broadcast of a Monday Night Football game, I will.

OK. Is that it?

Manny? Do you love the Cubbies?

No

Why not? What is wrong with you? Or are you just "being Manny" right now?

What in the hell does that mean? Manny being Manny? Who in the hell else am I supposed to be?

Eduardo Zambrano!

Ummm, Michelle? Don't you mean Carlos?

No Phony! You don't know your Cubs like I do. Eduardo was a great outfielder for the legendary 1994 Cubs!

Legendary? Umm, where'd Manny go? Oh, he'll be right back. He's urinating on the cameraman and the gift basket we sent him.

Looks like Manny is being Manny again! He's no Bill McCabe!

Who?

A legendary outfielder on 2 of the greatest teams in Major League history! The 1918 and 1920 Cubbies. He should be in the Hall of Fame! After the voters listen to me and put Leon Durham in, I will champion McCabe next!

Whatever. Now a message from our sponsor, Rum Staphylococcus.

Iree mon. Drink our stuff. Rum Staphylococcus! Havin goats fill bottles with whizzle for over tree monts to the rhythm of bad reggae music mon.

Now to viewer mail.
"Dear Phony? Who did you and Wimponandonandon blow to get this job?"
Trade secret my friend.

"Hey Wimpy? Is there anything about Chicago you don't love?"
What a stupid question! Next!

"Hey Korny? Why do you always talk about your genital warts?"
I'm mad at Michelle for being so promiscuous!


Now our stat boy will tell us about any mistakes.

The only mistake I can think of is that ESPN hired you to replace poker and Australian Rules Football.

That wraps it up. Goodnight Bahrain!

See ya to all knuckleheads who don't reside in the Windy City. Chicago rules!

Michelle? Where did Manny go?

Who cares! Let's interview Sam Fuld next!