Saturday, August 16, 2008

Breaking Brett Farve News On ESPN

After staking out Brett Favre in his living quarters at the Jets training camp, ESPN reporter Chris Mortensen has filed this report on his networks website:


9 PM : Brett calls his wife and asks which bag did she pack his codeine and Seconal.

9:15 PM : Brett takes 8 pills from 3 unmarked prescription bottles, and chases it down with a glass of "special" water curiously kept in a Absolout Vodka bottle.

9:32 PM : Brett feels and itch on his butt and scratches it. His arm appears OK.

9:43 - 11:27 PM : Brett text messages 1,296 of his media friends for a minute by minute update report on what he thinks and feels.

11:28 PM : Brett sneezes, coughs, then burps. His arm still appears OK.

11:29 PM : Brett masturbates

11:30 PM : Brett finishes masturbating. His arm still appears OK.

11:31 PM : I read Brett his favorite story not about him = "The Little Engine That Could"

11:46 PM : Brett and I kiss good night.

11:47 PM - 6:14 AM : Brett sleeps. He rolls around 5 times, but his arm still appears OK.

6:15 AM : Brett awakens to my beaming face. Gosh, is he beautiful!

6:16 AM : I draw Bretts bubble bath, and put his favorite rubber ducky in it.

6:18 AM : Brett comes into the bathroom and stares at himself in the mirror.

6:41 AM : Brett stops looking at himself for a minute to locate his toothbrush.

6: 57 AM : Brett starts to brush his teeth, spending 5 seconds on each tooth.

6: 59 AM : Brett finishes brushing his teeth. His arm still appears OK.

7 : 00 AM : ESPN takes his spit out toothpaste, and packages it for display in the ESPN front lobby at Bristol, CT.

7:01 AM : Brett sits on a toilet specially designed by ESPN.

7:02 am : Brett drops 14 ounces of offerings. It's fairly solid, light brown, and tastes like he had eaten broiled salmon a few days ago. His arm still appears OK.

7:06 AM : I wipe Bretts sphincter happily, and package the used toilet paper so it can be displayed in the ESPN front lobby at Bristol, CT along with his offering.

7:12 AM : Brett steps into his bath and soaks. His arm still appears OK.

7:56 AM : I wash and rinse Brett, then dry off his body. Gosh, is he beautiful!

8:06 AM : I dress Brett in his favorite outfit, then walk him to the teams cafeteria to eat breakfast.

8:14 AM : We sit at Bretts table, which is sectioned off from the rest of the team.

8:15 AM : Brett consumes 8 scrambled eggs, 2 pieces of plain toast, and 3 glasses of grape juice. His arm still appears OK.

8:18 AM : I burp Brett. Gosh, is he beautiful!

8:20 AM : Sal Paolantonio takes Brett for the day. His arm still appears OK.

8:21 AM : Though I REALLY miss Brett, I must type up this report. I cannot wait to see him later tonight.

8:59 AM : As I complete this report, Chris Berman calls me to tell me that ESPN is trying to get Roger Goodell to implement a rule where non-media is not allowed to touch, or speak to Brett. This especially applies to games.

9:07 AM : I get a informed by George Bodenheimer, ESPN's current president, that the Brett Favre statues being built on the inside of all offices and homes of ESPN employees, will be completed by this weekend. They will then put statues in the front and back yards of all offices and homes of ESPN employees by Tuesday.

1 comment:

CK0712 said...

NOW that was funny as hell, i almost spit out my coffee from laughing ;0
i'm gonna print this out hehe