Saturday, September 24, 2011

Cincinnati Bengals Blow Smoke While ESPN Blows Tim Tebow

Like a pound of high grade skunk smuggled past the vigilant guard dogs at an airport by being crazy glued to the taint of a 400 lbs midget, it is time for POINTLESS PONDERING.

Does anyone besides me make the huge mistake of turning on ESPN while an actual sporting event is not being broadcast? Not that crap the network pretends is a sport, like poker or competitive eating, but a sport where a participant actually breaks a sweat from physical activity while not sitting on their fat asses?

I did.

Turning on the boob tube one day, I saw ESPN oozing out a gabfest called "First Take." The shrow sprinkles a few active and retired athletes around three women who are the main characters of this pretend talk show. The most dramatic queen of the three is a geriatric know-nothing named Skip Bayless.

Bayless, who probably couldn't tell you who George Halas was even though he was born ahead of Papa Bear, has the memory of a fruit fly and thinks that everything at this moment is the 'greatest of all-time.' This pole smoker is known throughout ESPN as the former sports journalist who tries to get attention by besmirching athletes like Lebron James.

ESPN has been in mourning since Brett Favre retired finally a few months ago. Missing scrolling his name in huge letters constantly across the viewers screen, they still mention the Hyckocrite several times a day even if Favre is no longer part of the sports landscape and was last seen being accused of molesting women younger than his own children.

They knew they had a replacement lined up. A guy who, compared to Favre, is akin to being near beer versus real beer. Yet, like Favre, his concocted image far outweighs his actual abilities or talents. In others words : all hype and no substance. Just like EPSN itself.

Bayless and his fellow paparazzi have spent the 2011 NFL season drooling and batin' to Tim Tebow's picturesque image. Tebow, who is a third-string quarterback who even has a former first-round draft pick bust named Brady Quinn ahead of him on the depth chart, has become a polarizing figure thanks to the constant attention he receives from stalkers who pose as sports media members.

Tebow is not even close to being a NFL quarterback in most experts eyes, but do not tell that to Bayless. The old fruit spends every possible moment he can calling Tebow the best player the Denver Broncos have, because Bayless is a typical NFL puppet who believes the game revolves around the universe of this one position on the gridiron.

Ever since ESPN took over the Monday Night Football duties, they have tried to rival the NFL's own network in soft coverage they try to pawn off as news to viewers, carefully trying not to besmirch the monster entity. They earned this by constant on-air fellatio on the likes of Favre and other questionable characters with personal lives just as shady as the Hyckocrite's is.

A few weeks ago, Denver was losing agame on Monday Night Football. Broncos starting quarterback Kyle Orton played admirably, despite having terrible blocking and a shoddy rushing attack that produced a paltry 25 yards from his running backs against one of the worst run defenses in the league.

While Orton threw for over 300 yards in a game Denver would lose by a field goal, ESPN spent their times using the cameras to scan the stands for any idiot wearing a Tebow jersey or holding a sign professing their love for a player who has yet to do anything worth noting on a professional football field. The same "Christian" fans who would later piss away $10 grand on a billboard showing support for Tebow instead of doing something for society... like feeding homeless children.

Skippy has twisted his manpon since this moment, as well as showing the world once again he knows absoloutely nothing about football. Bayless has basically called Orton a loser while proclaiming Tebow to be the next Favre. He continued his tirade even after Orton led Denver to a win after getting help from an effective rushing attack last Sunday.

It doesn't really seem it will matter if Tebow is a career reserve or a future Hall of Famer to ESPN, because the network has found their new deity to stand along Favre on the ESPN pedestal. They will continue to feed their sheep while dropping his and the Hyckocrite's name at every turn possible, while viewers are forced to watch people like Bayless drools incessantly at perverted dreams that will never come true.

Breaking news! A Cincinnati Bengals player is in trouble with the law. No...wait! Make that two Bengals. As Led Zeppelin once said, "The Song Remains The Same."

Some franchises are forever snakebitten by bad karma, it seems. The ghosts of men Paul Brown, who founded the team, screwed over seem to be drowning this team in ignorance and forgettable obscurity. Somewhere upstairs, the ghosts of Mac Speedie and others are probably smiling in content as yet another Bengals player embarrasses himself, his family and teammates.

Whether the player is a moron like Adam "Pac Man" Jones paralyzing a person for life after making it 'rain money' at a strip club, or a deceased player like Chris Henry for having continual alcohol issues while alive, the Bengals franchise has had their players arrested over 32 times since 2000. It is easily this highest number amongst NFL teams, and this issue is a huge reason the team has gone 73-104 since 2000.

Brown, a legendary Hall of Fame coach who won seven championships in his 17 years with the Cleveland Browns, founded the Bengals in 1968. Though he coached in Cincinnati for just eight years, he got the franchise off to a fast start by helping them to a 55-56-1 record. He then ran the team from his offices from 1976 to 1991, when he died of complications from pneumonia.

The Bengals reached the playoffs three times with Brown as their head coach, then four more times with him as the general manager. This includes the only two Super Bowl appearances in franchise history, where Brown's teams lost both times to the San Francisco 49ers. The team has reached the playoffs just twice since Brown passed away.

It is ironic the team lost both Super Bowls to the 49ers Hall of Fame head coach Bill Walsh. Walsh is another person who was once screwed over by Brown after having been a Bengals assistant coach from 1968 to 1975. He was promised the Bengals head coaching job for years, but offensive line coach Bill "Tiger" Johnson was chosen instead.

Johnson resigned five games into the 1978 season while Walsh became the San Francisco head coach in 1979 and won three Super Bowls in his nine seasons on the Niners sidelines. Brown was accused of almost preventing Walsh of even getting the head coaching job in San Francisco once by Walsh himself.

Walsh claimed that Brown "worked against my candidacy" to be a head coach anywhere in the league. "All the way through I had opportunities, and I never knew about them," Walsh said. "And then when I left him, he called whoever he thought was necessary to keep me out of the NFL."

It is reminiscent of Brown's issues with Speedie, a Pro Bowl wide receiver during the Browns championship years. When Speedie wanted a raise in pay, he was rebuffed by Brown. He then bolted to the Canadian Football League for a bigger paycheck.

Years later, Speedie became a coach and scout in the American Football League. The Bengals joined the AFL initially, so the two men once met on the gridiron before a contest. When Speedie extended his hand as a greeting, Brown turned his back on him after telling Speedie, "Yes, I know. You're the one who went to Canada."

Speedie went to his grave believing Brown's influence prevented his induction into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. There are other frustrating examples of how Paul Brown infuriated people along his career, but time constraints will inhibit this endeavor.

His son Mike hasn't done any better since taking over the team, as the Bengals have gone 113-181 under his regime. He is known for his frugality and much as he is for overseeing squads that frequently have members ending up arrested.

Brown has frustrated people himself, as recently seen by quarterback Carson Palmer's refusal to play for the team and walking away from millions of dollars after Brown turned down his request to be traded to another team.

Now current players Jerome Simpson and Anthony Collins are in trouble after being arresting in a drug sting where over five pounds of marijuana was taken from Simpson's home after undercover agents delivered about two pounds of the drug to the wide receivers home.

Simpson, who is leading the Bengals in receptions this year, has been viewed a disappointment as a player since being drafted in the second round of the 2008 draft by the team. Before 2011, he had appeared in just 11 games and had 21 receptions in his career. Collins, drafted two rounds behind Simpson in 2008, has started has started 16 of 34 career games as an offensive tackle.

Both of their NFL careers are in jeopardy right now, a conundrum the league offices are used to dealing with when it comes to Bengals players. It may seem to be business as usual for this team, but the act has to have worn thin for the NFL long ago. Perhaps the only way out of these constant messes for the Bengals is to hold an exorcism in an attempt to finally bring this team good karma

Yoooooooooooo! Dis iz 7thStone once again! I is 3rdStone's cuzin, four doze of yous who fourgot me. I do predikshuns of da NFL four him becuz I iz a ex-bookie.

Yo! I iz 21-11 overall now after goin 11-5 las weak. Not two shabby, not to strong. Capeesh?

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Carolina Panthers

I know Cam Newton has a lot of passin yards, but yoooooooo! Da Panthers dont run da ball no mo! WTF iz dey paying DeAngelo Williams all dat cash and givin him da ball on just 22 times so far? Jonathan Stewart, who ran for 1,133 yards in 2009, has only 23. Newton leads da teem in rushing attempts and yards, besides bein da only Panther to run four a score dis seasun.

I don't care how good Newton iz, dat is STUPID Yo! Dis teem kneads two run too win! For all dat passin, dey iz still only 18th in scoring in da NFL so far. Da D is 26th in points allowed.

Dey should move up dis week facin a Jags teem dat has one player, Maurice Jones-Drew, who can actually do sumfin with da football. Jack Del Rio's gamble on cuttin David Garrard has looked dumb so far because his replacemint sucked donkey balls. Capeesh?

Now Jacksonville is starting there rookie quarterback, but dis guy cant do any badder den da scrub dat was their las weak. Still, dey is goin to feed MJD da ball like 30 times or more. Dat will bee da key hear.

Jaguars 23 Panthers 21

Detroit Lions @ Minnesota Vikings

Da Donovan McNabb Era haz gone so good dat Vikings fans iz calling four rookie Christian Ponder. Dis teen cant score and dey iz ranked 31st in da league in passing.

Detroit iz doin just what we all tought dey iz doin. Yo! Dis teem iz four reel. Capeesh? Watch dem and sea what I meen.

Lions 34 Vikings 20

San Francisco 49ers @ Cincinnati Bengals

Yo! Not only did da Bungles top receiver get busted with sum good smoke by da Feds da other day, da teem just found out top running back Cedric Benson iz being suspended three games. Guess Benson can go finish out his jail time now after his apeel iz reduces his sentence or gets rejected next Tuesday.

Da Niners blew a win las week, but dat iz cuz Alex Smith is just a crap QB. Dis piece of crap is going to be benched wifin three weeks, mark my words. But da 49ers iz pissed enough over las weak to win dis one.

49ers 24 Bengals 19

Miami Dolphins @ Cleveland Browns

OK, da Browns iz not as good as I tought dey would be. Dey iz young, so I still feal dey will bee good by da end of da yeer. Miami iz da better teem hear, espeshully after finding a good running back in Daniel Thomas las weak.

Dolphins 27 Browns 24

New England Patriots @ Buffalo Bills

Everyone iz happy da Bills is 2-0. But da dreem stops hear. A reality check is cummin. Capeesh?

Patriots 37 Bills 27

New York Giants @ Philadelphia Eagles

I saw dis stat dat Mike Vick completed 43% of his passes against da Giants blitz las yeer. Now da dog killer is hurtin in his chicken neck.

Still, da Jints secondary sucks ass and Eli Manning just has had reality's scrotum teabagging his girly ass so far. Dis boob says he in a elite QB, but do elite quarterbacks lead a 27th ranked scoring offense wif a 80 QB rating? Dat ratin goes down more against dem three Pro Bowl cornerbacks Philly has.

Eagles 30 Giants 21

Denver Broncos @ Tennessee Titans

Da Titans shocked da NFL in weak 2 by beatin da Ravens HANDILY with no running game to speek of. Chris Johnson looks like a guy who didn't do training camp with his 77 yards on 33 carries.

But dat defense is da story Yo! Ranked fouth in da league in points allowed, it iz hard to pass on dem. Dey already have alreddy forced 8 turnovers.

Denver kneads to run da ball hear. Dey cant rely on just chuckin passes, so mebbe Tim Teblow will run a few option plays since dat iz about allhe iz good four.

Titans 20 Broncos 10

Houston Texans @ New Orleans Saints

Since 1950, only 11 running backs have run for over 100 yards in their first 11 games. This list includes Hall of Famers Earl Campbell and Marshall Faulk. Another guy is dis list iz Ben Tate of da Texans. Look four him do get his third easily against a terruble Saints run defense.

Drew Brees will be testin out Wade Phillips revamped Houston defense. They rank first in both points and yards allowed so far. Dis will bee da difference as dat explosive Texans offense wears down a mediocre Saints defense.

Texans 38 Saints 27

New York Jets @ Oakland Raiders

Watchin da Raiders blow dat win against Buffalo las weak was ugly yo. While dey can score points, dey cant stop opponents from scoring. Da Raider have scored and given up 58 points, not a formula four success.

Da Jets dont let opponents score. Oaklands rushing attack is there best strength, while da Jets run defense is dat squads best strength. Plus New York kneads to stay pace wif da Pats yo.

Jets 34 Raiders 20

Kansas City Chiefs @ San Diego Chargers

Da Chiefs are goin so bad, head coach Todd Haley will bee luckin two win five games dis yeer. All there best players are getting hurt so bad, dey iz out all seesun. Da Chargers offense iz just two powerfull.

Chargers 42 Chiefs 14

Baltimore Ravens @ Saint Louis Rams

Da Ravens got embarrassed last weak after embarrasin da Steelers da weak before. Saint Louis iz goin to attack dat suspect Ravens secondary dat iz ranked 28th in passing yards alloud. With deep threat Lee Evans out dis weak, Baltimore will knead to rely on da run game and young tight ends.

Sam Bradford won't have Danny Amendola two throw too, so Mike Sims-Walker will knead two bee big. Even if star halfback Steven Jackson plays this weekend, he may be best served is the passing attack since Baltimore is stout against the run.

Ravens 24 Rams 21

Atlanta Falcons @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Game of the Week

This could be a helluva battle! Da Bucs rediscovered the run game las weak, witch will helps against a mediocre Falcons defense that is 28th in points alloued and 27th in yards alloud. Tampa Bay cannot leen on da pass game as much as dey have da furst too weaks.

Matt Ryan has been incunsistunt so far, but he did help Atlanta cum back in a thrillin win las weak. Pro Bowl halfback Michael "Burner" Turner has been da Falcons biggest star this yeer, which is not a good deel for a Buccaneers defensedisappointedly ranked 31st in run defense and 28th in total yards alloud.

Da best run game should win dis, witch iz why I iz goin wif Atlanta.

Falcons 23 Buccaneers 17

Green Bay Packers @ Chicago Bears

Da Bears have played no teem more den dey have da Pack. Though they are 91-83-6 against Green Bay, da teems have met just twice in postseesun. Da last time was in da 2010 NFC Championship Game, where da Packers prevailed 21-14. In da three games dey played las yeer, every contest was decided by a one score difference.

Da 2011 Bears season iz lookin a lot like 2010, where da defense is carrying a erratic offense. The Bears offense kneads two step up dis weak cuz da Pack has da worst padd defense in da NFL after givin up 800 yards in da air alreddy.

But da Packers got weapons galore on offense. Plus dey take care of da football by not turnin it over. The secondary is da weekness of da Chicago defense, so I expect Aaron Rodgers to pick them apart when he kneads it mostest.

Packers 23 Bears 21

Arizona Cardinals @ Seattle Seahawks

Yo! Snoozeville! Capeesh? Let's leeve it at Larry Fitzgerald has a big day.

Cardinals 30 Seahawks 20

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Indianapolis Colts

OK, Kerry Collins iz alreddy banged up and hasn't even been in da Colts system for to months. Dis iz not a good sign when facing a angry Steelers teem still seething for having there butts kicked two weaks ago.

Steelers 34 Colts 10

Washington Redskins @ Dallas Cowboys

OK, dis rivalry is like all NFL rivalrees today. Watered down by free agency, so dey have A LOT less meening to da players these daze. But Dallas is banged up good and da undefeeted Redskins iz healthy.

If dat moron Kyle Shanahan does almost blow it again wif his crappy play calling, like how the jackass forgot da run game in da second half of las weaks win after Tim Hightower had dominated da furst half, den Washington should get there 39th win in 101 games versus da Cowboys thanks too dat solid defense.

Redskins 27 Cowboys 24

Power Rankings

1. Green Bay Packers
2. Houston Texans
3. New York Jets
4. New England Patriots
5. Detroit Lions
6. Washington Redskins
7. Buffalo Bills
8. Atlanta Falcons
9. Philadelphia Eagles
10. Baltimore Ravens
11. Pittsburgh Steelers
12. Chicago Bears
13. Tennessee Titans
14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
15. New Orleans Saints
16. San Diego Chargers
17. Oakland Raiders
18. New York Giants
19. Dallas Cowboys
20. Cincinnati Bengals
21. Jacksonville Jaguars
22. Arizona Cardinals
23. Minnesota Vikings
24. Miami Dolphins
25. San Francisco 49ers
26. Cleveland Browns
27. Saint Louis Rams
28. Denver Broncos
29. Seattle Seahawks
30. Carolina Panthers
31. Indianapolis Colts
32. Kansas City Chiefs

OK, I gots two go. I gots dis fine hunny lined up at dis club I know. She can spin on a pole, capeesh? As dey say in Ol' Messico = A.M.F.

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