Monday, October 6, 2008

Bank On It

Another old TSN post:


I went to a fortune teller a few weeks ago while visiting a friend in another city. I wrote these predictions down, hoping to cash in at Vegas. Granted, the fortune teller was a wino I had bought a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 for, but he did say that his nick name was Nostrodamus. We'll see. My mortgage and kids college funds are riding on this:



Dan Snyder will continue collecting has-beens as if they were playing cards when he pulls out a page from the George Allen playbook and trades three #1 draft picks, and two #2 draft picks for Brett Farve. Farve then blows out his knee stepping over his new team mates for a better picture angle for the paparazzi, is placed on the IR, then retires in December. Farve then un-retires in January and cries on FOX TV, as Bill O'Reilly hugs him. Redskins GM Vinny Cerrato then announces he has traded Farve, two #1 draft picks, and a #6 draft pick to Oakland for Aaron Brooks and the rights to George Blanda. Brooks whereabouts are never ascertained, but Blanda kicks 21 field goals on 30 attempts and throws 11 touchdown passes in 2009. Farve rides the bench as a third stringer behind JeMarcus Russell and Andrew Walter, then retires for the final time.



George W. Bush, still struggling to try to lose the label of being the worst President in US history, will announce he may pardon Marion Jones. But only on the contingency that Roger Clemons is not found guilty of perjury, and that Jose Canseco never writes a book showing Bush knew his Rangers were on steroids, when Bush owned the team, and even supplied the clubhouse with syringes and HGH. Bush then quietly pays Canseco $2,000 to never write about how Bush and Juan Gonzales both did lines of coke off of Tom Hicks' taint in 1998. Bush then goes on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney and is shot in the buttocks by Cheney "by accident". It takes doctors 3 weeks to determine Bush is brain dead due to no changes in Bush's speech or thought patterns.




Adam Jones announces his now wants to be called "Galaga". He then makes the Cowboys offices "rain money" after asking Jerry Jones to give him a lap dance. A melee ensues, and Stephen Jones is shot and paralyzed from the neck down. Adam Jones is suspended by Roger Goodell for 11 months. When reinstated, Adam Jones announces he now wants to be called "Frogger".




Nancy Lieberman recants her previous statement of calling Becky Hammon a traitor. Lieberman then promptly defects to Cuba to be Fidel Castro's private night nurse.



The WNBA announces that every Wednesday will be "Fight Night" in hopes to increase viewership. After that fails, they have the players wear bikinis and wrestle in a swimming pool of chocolate pudding on Wednesdays "Fight Nights". Attendance and interest remains unchanged.





The Cubs get to the World Series and have Steve Bartman throw out the first pitch. Geovany Soto takes his eye off the ball and ends up having his right orbital socket crushed, rendering him out for the series. The Cubs commit 37 errors as the Red Sox sweep the series. Bartman is blamed for the loss and becomes the Salman Rushdie of Chicago. Bartman moves to Tehran and goes into hiding. Lou Pinella is then fired.





Alex Rodriguez marries 50 year old Madonna in a lavish ceremony in the Beverly Hills Hilton. Instead of exchanging wedding rings, they swap kabbala bracelets and kabbala nipple rings. The press dubs him "Nim-Rod". Six months later, Rodriguez passes away by succumbing to complications from the multiple STD's that he contracted from Madonna on their honeymoon. George Steinbrenner demands his contract be fulfilled, and Madonna ends up playing 3rd base for the Yankees. The entire organization goes defunct within 15 months due to every member dying from contacting multiple STD's from Madonna. Madonna then releases her 12th CD, titled, "Those Damn Yankees Were Damn Good".

4 comments:

CK0712 said...

DAYUM that was funny as hell, specially the Bush & Pacman part LMAO!

tcp said...

When I read this over on SN I laughed my ass off with the "doing a line of coke off Tom Hicks' taint" line, and I am laughing my ass off again.

Brilliant piece of work.

FanOfReds said...

WNBA players in bikinis, that actually would make me less interested in the WNBA than I currently am! Good stuff here!

Lester's Legends said...

Great stuff man. Love your sense of humor