Friday, October 31, 2008

Stern's Stolen Script

I'd hate to be the guy to break this news to you, but I have a friend who has a friend who has a friend who knows a gal. She works for David Stern.

She was giving him his weekly high colonic when she noticed a document next to him. After Stern fell asleep, she made a quick xerox of the documents ingredients.

It says:

After several meetings with Phil Knight, the NBA and Nike have come up with an exciting format and idea that should take the heat off of us. I remind you all not to pull a Donaghy. Your bonuses created by our layoffs should more than buy your silence. Remember to follow your game by game scripts, and to carry the images we are trying to push. Here is the outline of our plans:


1. Boston Celtics - Protect the "Big 3" at all costs!
2. Philadelphia 76ers - Let the kids have a certain point.
3. Toronto Raptors - Keep them in limbo.
4. New Jersey Nets - Let them think there is hope.
5. New York Knicks - Just ignore them unless they somehow win a few.


1. Cleveland Cavaliers - MAKE SURE Lebron is happy!
2. Detroit Pistons - Just don't pay the whining any heed.
3. Chicago Bulls - Let Rose win R.O.Y.
4. Milwaukee Bucks - String them along.
5. Indiana Pacers - Ditto.


1. Orlando Magic - They won the lottery to win this division.
2. Miami Heat - We are pushing the DWade comeback angle.
3. Atlanta Hawks - Play on the kids emotions.
4. Washington Wizards - One and done is played out.
5. Charlotte Bobcats - Let Larry scream.


1. Utah Jazz - We need Deron for that area.
2. Portland Trailblazers - Let the youngin's ball until the playoffs.
3. Denver Nuggets - Make sure A.I. and 'Melo get their shots..and L's.
4. Minnesota Timberwolves - Let them have hope.
5. Okie City Thunder - They must be punished for what they did to Seattle.


1. Los Angeles Lakers - Kobe will lead us to the money.
2. Phoenix Suns - Same formula as last year please.
3. LA Clippers - We will keep them in the middle. Understand?
4. Golden State Warriors - Nellie is OK with this.
5. Sacramento Kings - Keep them here so the Vegas move happens.


1. New Orleans Hornets - We will keep funding them for the future.
2. San Antonio Spurs - We will try to stop them again.
3. Houston Rockets - Yao will keep our overseas partners interested.
4. Dallas Mavericks - Cuban will pay for making a fool out of me.
5. Memphis Grizzlies - These games are not your days off. I mean it this time!


Celtics over Hawks in 5 for excitements sake. Stretch it out.
Cavaliers over Raptors in 4 to build Lebron's Legacy.
Detroit over Orlando because we flipped a coin.
Miami over 76ers for our DWade angle

Lakers over Trailblazers in 4 to keep Kobe fresh.
Hornets over Suns in 7 for reasons above.
Rockets over Jazz in 6 for reasons above.
Spurs over Mavericks in 7 for Texas cash.

Celtics over Detroit in 7 for our ratings booster.
Cleveland over Miami in 6 for Lebron.
Lakers over Spurs in 6 to keep Kobe happy.
Rockets over Hornets in 7 for our overseas partners.

Cleveland over Boston in 7 at the Garden for "lore".
Lakers over Rockets in 6 and you better protect Kobe's health!


Lakers over Cavaliers in 7 for our "epic battle".

What do you think? Well, you know I don't care what you think. Phil and I are creative. I think we will vacuum many bills from the saps pockets. Hahahahahahaaaaa!

Again, sorry to break this news to you all. Just thought you'd like to know ahead of time.


Mo Morrissey said...

Great work. Almost believe it could be the script

Anonymous said...

LMAO! 3rd you aren't right, that's what makes you so kewl!!

how'd ya make out on your candy run

Solid write up as always!

Lester's Legends said...

That is AWESOME.

You know a league is shady when you don't trust your teams enough to not tank that you have to have a lottery. Either that or you do it behind closed doors so you can pick who gets #1.